Not a great sober week

Not that anyone is reading this so I will just pretend that someone is once again, but this week has been a living hell!! Actually the last 8 weeks have been a living hell!!  I've created such a mess of my life and lately it's neverending reminders of how much I fucked up!!

I have made about a $50,000 credit card debt for us and I can't get out of it to save my life!! I'm really good about not spending any money for awhile but them I have to come up for air (so to speak) and I go out and spend.  I've done my steps...all 12 (thouroughly in my opinion) but I am still fucking crazy in my head these days!!!

I'm really pissed off today...can you tell?  Who am I talking to? Nobody is reading this!  God...are you listening cause I can always count on you I guess.

So anyway, I try to make money and that just pisses my husband off because I'm on the computer all the time and not staring at him.  Then I sign up to watch a toddler for some extra money and it interferes with seeing my sponsor.  WTF??  I'm so sick of trying at life!!  Why do I have to try so hard?  I'm sick of trying to remember to pray and trying to remember to NOT think of myself and trying to fix all of the problems that I've made for me and my family!!  I know! I know! I Can't do any of those things but God can right?  Well...that is if I remember to pray and ask for help but I just told you that I am having a hard time remembering how to do that because my brain is so filled with my naggy husband, my crying 2 month old, my fighting 6 and 2 year old, stressing about making money, stressing about not spending enough time with my husband so he's happy, stressing that I'm ALWAYS going to be in debt to my husband for all the years of drinking and spending!!! 

I'm so tired!! HELP!! Oh...nobody is listening.  My sponsor would say "Get on your knees!  As many times as you need to today!"  Thanks, but I can't remember to do that these days!!  Guess I'm just SOL!!!

I'm so tired of being tired and trying.  Sometimes I wish for a natural death like cancer.  That way it isn't suicide and nobody can blame me for being selfish.  I can't do anything right.  Do I really have to do this for the rest of my life?? It's so completely exhausting!!

I'm tired.  I'm hopeless.  I'm restless and discontent with everything in my life.  I feel cheated out of a life that I wanted.  I drank away my young years and woke up to 3 kids and a husband who suffocates me just like my mother did.  Will I ever be happy with my life?? Ever??  Does this really have to be my life?? What if this is as good as it gets??

I'd call my sponsor but I know what she's going to say because I've been saying to myself for 2 months...it's not working.  I want to bang my head on a wall (literally) or kick something so hard that I break my foot!  This is exactly how I felt before I went to treatment.  I'm scared that it's taking me over.  "Nikki" is slowly fading out and the disease is taking over.  Why?  I don't know what else I can do??  HELP! HELP! HELP!

God...I hope you're listening.