Hello my loves :) Day 2 of my blog and no followers yet :( This of course makes my brain tell me that nobody cares and nobody likes me and nothing I do matters. However, I must then move forward with my thinking and say to myself, "Nobody knows about the blog yet you fool! How can they follow it if they don't know about it? It has nothing to do with you", and then I feel better <3
I was going to tell you all about me today...share my experience, strength and hope with you but I have some craziness today that I've decided to share instead. I will make another page on this blog that's all about me and my story.
The craziness in my head today is very disturbing because it tell me that I am not doing as well as I think. You see, just because I put the drink down DOES NOT and WILL NOT ever mean that I am cured. I will always think the way that I think because I am an alcoholic. I've heard many people say at meetings that the drinking was just a symptom and that my biggest problem lies between the six inches between my ears. Today I have definately seen this to be the case.
When I am irritable and discontent I start to wander into my old habits again. Spending money (that I DO NOT have) is definately one of my bad, old habits. I get bored very easily and my mind starts running, "What will happen if I don't do something right now? Just something. Anything. I need to feel something good to get me through to the next moment that I have like this". So, I get on the internet and buys something or I go smoke more cigarettes or I exercise for two hours making bleeding wounds and blisters on my feet. Something to give me and INSTANT FIX. Alcohol was always my "instant fix". I don't want to have to wait for anything because if I don't get what I want now, what will happen? Will I go crazy and jump out the window? Will I drink again? Will I cut myself again? Will I scream and bash my head into the wall? Yes. These are actual thoughts that go through my head quite a bit lately.
The fear that I have of unknow feelings is so overwhelming sometimes that I still just can't face it because I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I drank my feelings away and almost 2 years sober, there are still feelings that are unknown territory to me. The gift that I HAVE gotten is that walking through those fears helps so much more than I ever thought it would and I am only able to do that today by the Grace of God and with the support of the AA fellowship.
Anyhow...FSHEW! That was a tangent! As my sponsor would say "Thought to pen." Whatever comes out is what was meant to be dealt with and said. Amen to that sister!
K so back to my craziness. My husband and I are just about $50,000 down in credit card debt alone (not to mention college loans and all that other fun grown-up stuff). This is mostly due to my spending habits, I must admit (if he were looking over my should he would say that's its all due to my spending but there is a little bit in there that he had his hands in too.....Oh well. That's his side of the street). So here I am almost 2 years sober and I am spending money again. Not craving a drink. Not even really thinking about a drink, but spending money to get a quick fix. The absolute WORST part about my spending is that I have nothing to show for it! I buy stupid stuff! Stuff that is spread all over my house and when he finds out that I've spend another $2,000 and asks me, in a rage, what I bought with the money, most of the time I can't even go get something to show him. That's aweful! It's not like I'm buying useful things that will benefit the family or even get used. It's all just for the quick "feel-good" moment and then I'm faced with a VERY upset husband and lost trust again (because every time I spend and he finds out, I SWEAR I will NEVER do it again....right!)
This is all happening because after almost 2 years (how long have I been sober) I still haven't finished my 12 steps. I am stuck at 9 and I know that I must keep going if I am ever to be content and happy. So this is part of step 12 for me. Giving back what has so freely been given to me. I REALLY hope some of you find this blog but even if you don't, my sponsor says that I am making the effort anyway and that's all that counts (but I really want you to get something out of this). I will put it in God's hands because I know that He will do what He wants to do and if other's are meant to read this, then He will make it happen.
I had so many other things I wanted to talk about today but as usual I have forgotten them all. If I don't write things down or do them right away, I forget almost every time. Thought to pen! What was meant to be said, was said and I hope that this reaches someone soon.
We aren't alone. We can all stay sober ONE DAY AT A TIME. One minute at a time. One second at a time. Remember that you have no business looking back at yesterday because it is gone and you can't do anything about the choices you made. You also have no business looking forward into the future because it isn't yours yet. TODAY is yours. This moment is yours. God is in TODAY! You can do it JUST FOR TODAY <3 <3 <3
I love you all and I hope you find peace somewhere in your day today. Until tomorrow....
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